Pain becomes Pleasure [04 04 08]  I am not the type of person to have strange fetishes, though I’ve come across a lot of strange individuals - which I would call mere acquaintances - who have a strange fetish of some sort. From the mundane [guys who are particular about girls having perfectly clean feet] to the extreme [guys who like getting their toes licked and sucked], I’ve met them all. I never laughed at the strangeness of these people – that’s the truth! But I did, however, giggle a little to myself about it when they weren’t around to hear or see. So, it is quite natural that I found myself in utter shock the day I found out I, in fact, do have a fetish of my own. Faint, if you must, but I have discovered that my threshold of pain opened gates to a reality I never knew existed. I like pain. Nay, I love pain. I get a sudden adrenaline rush every time someone bites me. And every time I walk into the hospital, I get just a teeny tiny bit excited with the hope that I will need a blood test. Needles, teeth, knives, unintended cigarette burns… I could go on with strange things that arouse me, but I don’t want to scare you away. Rene Descartes [I believe it was in his Meditation VI] assumed that the sensations of pain and pleasure are part of one continuum. And apparently, there are biological links between the neurochemical pathways used for the perception of pain and those involved in the perception of pleasure. So, I believe that my endorphins [which hold back the sensations of pain] just don’t work well together with my dopamine pathways [which regulate the pleasurable emotions] causing some sort of haywire messaging to cause me, in turn, to not just like, but even thoroughly enjoy pain. Or maybe I am just crazy and twisted in the brain. You decide. Comment

Disney World [04 02 08] When I was younger, I wanted to be a Disney princess. The thought of living happily ever after was a dream that is not lost to me to this day. Naturally, I never expected to become friends with any talking mice (though birds making my bed in the morning is still a welcome thought), but I did expect there to be friends, period. Snow White had her loyal dwarves. Sleeping Beauty had her wise fairies. Heck, even Princess Jasmine, who was locked up in a palace since she was born and practically had no life, had Rajah. But I have no one, really. I don’t even have a tiny Mushu-like dragon, no matter how lame he is, to keep me sane. I’m still locked in my make-believe tower(-slash-castle, depending on the mood). I still dream of living happily ever after. And I’m still waiting to be rescued. So when is my Disney princess transformation going to happen? There’s only so much dreaming a girl can do, after all, before she gives up on life... 2+Comment

Fountain of Youth [02 28 08] Sibyl was a beautiful prophet. Apollo offered to grant her any wish she wanted, if she made love to him. Scooping up a handful of sand, Sibyl asked to live one year for each grain of sand that she held. Apollo granted her wish. But Sibyl refused to make love to him. As punishment, Apollo gave her long life; but not eternal youth. As Sibyl grew older, she shrank in size, finally becoming so small, she lived in a bottle. When someone asked Sibyl what she wanted, she would reply: ( My only wish is to die. )   Comment

The Assassination of the Castros [02 26 08] [ mood | irritated ] So, everyone's talking abt Obama and Clinton, Obama and Clinton, Obama... and... Clin... ton... Well, guess what? I'm Pro-Obama, and that's that [Bros over Hoes!!!]. I have better political things to talk about, like, say... ( How the Castro Brothers Must Die ) I hate the Castros! I can't believe Fidel maintained his power for nearly half a century and still lives on to tell the fucking tale. Why won't he die already? And why won't he take his brother with him? FUCK. Comment

Monogamy. [01 15 08] [ mood | scared ] ( My Dating History ) And then, at the end of 2007, there was Antti. I'm telling you, I have never felt this way about a guy before. If I thought Carlo was love, then this... wow, this I can't even describe. I think about him all the time. And when I'm with him, it's like time doesn't even exist. He's perfect. For me, at least. I never met anyone who made me feel so content... so happy... so complete before. When in past relationships, I'd get sick and find a random hook-up to alleviate the boredom with, I don't find that with Antti at all. And it's not about sex, seeing as we haven't had sex yet. [Snap your jaw shut - don't be so surprised.] It's different. It's very different. And in some sense, it scares me because I've never felt like this before. And although I should be happy about that, I'm so scared that he doesn't feel as strongly about me and I'm scared that I'll lose what we have. He's in Finland now, and I have no idea when I'm seeing him again. And even that thought scares me. I wish I could jump into the future and see what's going to happen. If it'll all be worth it. But I can't. And that scares me, too. I've never been so scared about anything in my life and now I'm blabbing on my blog that no one reads, I bet, just to find some serenity within myself that does not exist to my knowledge. I wish he would come back. Or at least visit. I wish I could just hug him right now. I wish someone would tell me things are gonna be alright. I wish. I wish. 7+Comment

Nothing's gonna change my world. [01 12 08] [ music | Across the Universe OST ] This LJ died for a bit. And I had been planning on reviving it for about a week now, but never really had anything to say. Or rather, I didn't know where to start. Since I last wrote, so much has happened. I found the guy of my dreams. And then he left on New Year's Day to go to Finland... army stuff... and since then, I've basically been moping around at home, doing schoolwork and reading aLOT. [Sidenote: read Twilight by Stephenie Meyer and The Asian Mystique by Sheridan Prasso.] But today, today I woke up. And not just the I-was-sleeping-and-then-the-sun-rose-so-I-woke-up wake-up, but an actual wake-up. ( Good Day, Sunshine! ) ( Good Day, Sunshine! ) Part of me is really glad I finally came out. But then I spent so much money, coz of the movie. Then dinner. Then alcohol. And oh, I bought a pack of DJ Mix Strawberry chigarettes, too. Damn. I'm out of money again. I need a job. *hu hu* Someone PLEASE HOOK ME UP!!! P.S. My horoscope today told me to flip a coin, if I had doubts about something. I don't usually follow horoscopes, but this one really hit me, so I did it. I flipped a coin: TAILS, our relationship will make it through anything. HEADS, give up now. It landed on TAILS. 2+Comment

Who's the Man? [11 13 07] [ mood | contemplative ] If you know me really well, you should know I'm not like most girls. In fact, I'd go so far as to say I'm nothing like most girls. ( (Wo)Man? ) I used to think this is what set me apart from the rest of the female clan... in a good way. Now I'm thinking that maybe this is why I can't get him to notice me. Coz I'm so much like a guy, that's all he sees me as. Fuck..... Why do I always have to end blog posts in such a negative tone? Comment

*~BEP BEP BEP~* [11 09 07] Coz I know you've all been secretly waiting for this. laughter (n) ~ when a smile has an orgasm   Comment

Trust No One [11 07 07] [ mood | lonely ] Not meaning to brag or anything, but I'm a video game whore and I'm usually so good at it, I kick everyone's asses. But no, not last night. My mind was wandering off..... I totally spaced out that my car was stuck at a wall for a good two minutes before I realized what everyone was laughing at. Naturally, my strange spacey behavior was simply dismissed as "dude, she's sooo hiiiiiigh >insert maniacal laughter here<", never mind the fact that I only had about three puffs of the joint and was actually spacey because despite the eight other people in the room, I had never felt so lonely in my entire life. ( Be My Trust? ) I miss being able to trust someone. I miss having someone I can run to whenever life is shitty. Nowadays, when something crappy happens and I need to just cry, my mind draws a blank because I have no idea who I should call. The people I do think of are either too far away or have changed so much that I don't know how they would feel if I did call. Now, how depressing is that? Please come over and make me feel better. Comment

Meet & Greet: Black Eyed Peas [10 19 07] [ music | Still Modern Minds and Pastimes ] Why, hello again, all! Guess who I got to meet today? The Black Eyed Peas, yo! My shirt that Taboo loved, with my Guest BEP pass-sticker. I'm sorry to disappoint, but I was hardly into this Meet & Greet, really. While waiting for them to meet us [they made us wait a whole hour!], all I did was complain about how I wanted to see The Click Five perform so badly with this one other girl when we heard them come on-stage. Haha. And we guiltily admitted that we loved TCF more than we would ever love BEP. Besides, BEP's been here thrice [I never cared]; this was TCF's first time! I secretly wished the concert was solely theirs. Screw The Peas. Psh. ( No, no, no, no. Baby, no, no, no, no. Don't lie. ) But despite it all, my loyalty was still definitely with The Click Five. I ran out the moment the concert ended to await their arrival and of course get my fill of Kyle Patrick's beautiful long fingers [remind me not to wash my right hand until it is absolutely pungent]. And then I went pretty wild with the picture-taking. Everyone was hogging Kyle's side, as usual, so I chilled right in front of Ethan and chatted him up a bit about how tired he was and what he was doing tonight. Haha. Then, when there were no more people left in line, I ran to get my new shirt autographed. 0:) The Click Five is absolute LOVE on a stick. Five sticks. Whee. 0=D 2+Comment

MEET & GREET: CLICK FIVE [10 18 07] [ music | Modern Minds and Pastimes ] Funny story behind my TCF fanaticism: One summer night at Khao San, Belle got uber-drunk, and the night just ended up going haywire [cutting things short here]. So, Lukas and I decided to head to McDonald's to eat. Whilst doing so, "Jenny" started playing on the TV screen. I was mesmerized. There was this boy band with a very, very, VERY hot singer. I WAS IN-LOVE [to say the least]. Since I didn't have my glasses on, Lukas had to read the band name for me when the song ended: The Click Five. Google time. Haha. I found out TFC had a new lead singer - Kyle Patrick, age 21. Perfect. Ok, so I was never admittedly into their music... at all...although "Catch Your Wave" is pretty catchy. But I never was a fan or anything. But this guy. Wow. I'd endure any pop songs you send my way for this guy. And lucky, lucky me. They decided to come to Bangkok to promote their new album. ( First you say you won't, then you say you will. ) Basically, it was an awesome day. 0:) If you have Facebook, I uploaded some of the videos I took on there. So check them out. I'm really happy about today. 0:) Really, really. It's gonna be a good week; I can tell. Tomorrow, I'm gonna see this guy I've been crushing on for a while - he's performing at his school. And then I'm off to the Black Eyed Peas concert [I don't really like their kind of music, but Joey's gonna be there. So yay! 0:D] And then on Friday, I have the Meet and Greet with BEP - crossing my fingers that Click Five will be there, too. And then I might go to the beach with some friends. And then maybe to the Elle Fashion Show. Whew. Finally, a good week! Nay, an AWESOME week. 0:) Comment

Video Killed the Radio Star [10 13 07] [ mood | awake ] [ music | 80's music ] There was an 80's Neon Costume party at Club Culture last night. And damn, it was awesome! ( *bang bang* ) Of course, nights out in Bangkok aren't complete without the drama. There was the relationship drama that is usually [and hopefully] forgotten by morning because of the alcohol consumption, anyway. There was the fake drama between best friends, just for the sake of it - with the screaming and everything, followed by laughter because you just can't stay mad at each other. I LOVE YOU, SHENSTER. And of course, there was the regular skank who, by the way, has a boyfriend, but still grinds up on every boy possible and even makes out with a guy, who I, by the way, thought had "changed his ways" since last year, but sadly hasn't. And then there's the Angel who blogs about it, hopes that the guy reads it, so that he can fix the shit he has pulled and so the skank will know that she is nothing but that: a skank. .....SKANK. Ahem, yes. I should go to bed. It's five in the morning. But damn... you should know I had a good night. 0:) 2+Comment

Dot the i [10 11 07] [ mood | losing hope ] Entry inspired by Marc Behm's Eye of the Beholder Apparently [well, according to Miss Peyton Sawyer of One Tree Hill] there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Six billion people in the world. Six billion souls. Can you believe that? And apparently, one force [most people - Christians, mostly - refer to "the force" as God] is in charge of deciding each and every single one of these souls' destinies. ( Pick me! Pick me! ) Don't get me wrong: I'm not mocking God or Christianity. I was born into a Christian environment. My dad's family is Catholic and my mum's family is Born-Again. My family may not be the most religious of all religious families, but I have always made an effort to be better at it than them. And by "better at it", I mean: I have actually read the bible and I know some passages by heart; I pray every night before I sleep; I go to church as much as I can and even make it a point to do the sign of the cross every time I pass our chapel at the university! I'm the most religious one in my family. Sure, I admit I have my doubts sometimes. Fine. Lots of times. But you can't blame me, Lord! Have you kept track of how many tests you've already put me through? Why won't they stop coming? I am seriously very tired already. And I am slowly losing complete faith. Don't you want me to believe? HELP ME BELIEVE! Please. Cut me some slack. Or, at least, help me remember what "good" felt like. 2+Comment

Petra Pan [10 10 07] [ mood | scared ] [ music | Who Wants to Live Forever by Queen ] I was cleaning out my room the other night because I couldn't sleep again *surprise, surprise* and I realized what a pack rat I was. I had little notes that my then-boyfriend passed to me during class from more than six years ago. And I had candy wrappers from candies that then-crushes gave me. And posters of celebrities I then-adored. But aside from all that useless junk that I came across [and have now disposed of, thank goodness!], I also came across a bunch of other things: keychains that were won for me in those claw-games you can find in arcades, little figurines from I-don't-even-remember-where-anymore, snow globes that were running out of water because of old age, and stuffed animals. Man, I had a ton of stuffed animals. As I looked at all the clutter that I had piled up in one corner of my room to dispose of [i.e. dump down the garbage], I felt a little pang of pain inside of me. I had never disposed of any of my trinkets. Ever. The white shelves in my room were next to bare and my bed - one that was cluttered up with a vast array of poohbears of different shapes and sizes - was empty apart from two that I decided to keep [shutup, they had sentimental value, okay!]. A few minutes of taking those last looks at them, I realized what I was doing... At the not-so-tender age of twenty, I finally decided to grow up. ( I do believe in Fairies. ) Fine. So I strayed a bit off-topic there. And I admit, that is probably not the answer to my legal age question. I actually think the legal age of growing up is when you realize you need to start prioritizing and thinking about your future - trying to get where you want to be and visualizing where you see yourself a few years from today. I'd like to say I see myself married, and settled down, maybe pregnant or with a few kids. But truth be told... I know that's never gonna happen. Not in the near future, at least. Coz hell, I'm too darned scared of the idea of ending my own childhood - how in the world am I supposed to raise my own kids??? I wish I had the guts to embrace life and just grow up already. Properly. 6+Comment

Ch-ch-changes. [09 30 07] [ mood | drained ] [ music | Love is Suicide by the Smashing Pumpkins ] Everything changes. Hell, people change. And sadly, even your good friends do, eventually. Some do things that you know they would normally never do, just to fit in with a new crowd. Some become so self-absorbed, they forget about the people who are and always have been by their side. Some get involved with new habits that you just completely lose respect for them. Some just turn out to be disappointing hypocrites who need to learn how to let go. Some, you find out, just don't give a flying fuck about you. And some... well, some just drift away... Their parents' jobs make them move. They go to college. They get married. But oftentimes it's just coz. If it's just coz, you know it won't hurt to pick up the phone once in a while. Dial a number. It won't hurt. Trust me. Coz most probably, that person whose number you're dialing... that person is probably sitting by the phone, wondering if he/she should call you. That person is probably just too proud to make the first move. Too stubborn. Even though he/she's probably dying inside from missing you so much. From reminiscing and wondering why you fell apart. Coz most probably, that person is me. 1+Comment

This is Me, Now. [09 15 07] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | Don't Panic by Coldplay ] I have come to realize that I think best when I have had a bit of alcohol in my system, so here this goes... Someone asked me a couple of weeks ago: Why You? And you know what? I wish I knew the answer to that. ( Dear You... ) I sit here now in a red spaghetti-strapped top, with my cleavage in full view. My hair is in place, falling delicately over my collarbone. My make-up is red-carpet-worthy. Last year's tomboy is a thing of the past. Yet I’m still alone – rejected and unloved – except now, I'm a little worse of since I no longer have the balls I once had to pull myself together and not cry. Comment

Think of me [09 04 07] [ mood | lost ] [ music | Phantom of the Opera OST ] Norman Cousins once wrote, "Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live." Sounds like the beginning / ending of a One Tree Hill episode, I admit. But it fits, for a variety of reasons. The reason I started to think about loss, aside from the fact that I am losing so many people in my life due to change and my own loss of faith in "God Almighty" and in miracles, is because Shona asked me for help with her English coursework and as irony would have it, voila - the subject was LOSS. And everyone knows that Shona = One Tree Hill, and thus the reminiscent opening of my first blog entry in yet another LiveJournal. Anyway, it is no secret that I have been pretty down lately. After the awesome summer that I had, "God" decided that happiness shall no longer be part of my vocabulary. [Yes, I blame "God" for everything - get used to it!] After Isaac's departure, the number of friends who are leaving just keeps increasing. This week alone, the number is three [Karl, Alex, Lukas]. In one week! And these aren't just random friends I wouldn't think twice about, you know. Hell, they've all played a major role in my life. ( A Tribute to the Lost ) So. Since this is a One Tree Hill / Shona - inspired journal entry, I need to end with some sort of reflection, right? Well, something happened this week that I'm not ready to share with anyone else that I don't consider a treasure box yet - which is basically, most of the people I know. But because of that incident, I must say I don't agree with Cousins. We may lose a lot of things while we live - the willingness to love, faith in a higher being, people who move away. But there's always that little spark of hope deep inside our hearts that tells us there may be a Prince Charming, somewhere... Or that God may have a plan for us, after all... Or that one day, we will find ourselves once again hugging that person we last hugged our goodbyes with... But death... Well, when we die, we won't even have hope left. At all. Hope dies when we die. Hell, hope is all I've got right now. Comment

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